Resentment

I am feeling really guilty today. I am having a hard time with the fact that I can't just go and do what I want to do when I want to do it. I can't just drop things and go out with my friends. I can't just go out for dinner and drinks anymore. I think that is so hard for me because none of my friends have babies yet. They can all come and go as they please.

I was so excited because I had planned a night out with all my friends for this Friday night. My former roommate (who was also my maid of honor) lives about four hours away now and she was supposed to come into town and stay with us for the weekend. My other good friends were supposed to all get together tomorrow night and go out to dinner and then out to a few bars. My husband got the night off and is going to stay home with Jack.

Tonight, my out of town friend let me know that her husband was just told that he has to work this weekend, so they aren't coming into town. I'm so upset. I haven't seen her in almost two months and was so looking forward to seeing her. This also means that I can't really drink if we go out because she was going to be my only hope for someone to stay sober to drive me home. I won't drive if I have had anything to drink. So, I'm half tempted to just not go at all. At this point, my two other friends aren't even answering my calls, so maybe they aren't going either (although I talked to both of them yesterday and they were both excited to go out).

But, I'm just so mad at myself because I am resenting my sweet little boy. I love him so much, but sometimes I wish for just a day when I can do what I want to do and not worry about what he needs. Being a parent is hard work, and it is honestly much harder than I ever thought. I feel like such a horrible person for feeling this way. I know there are so many people out there that would give anything for a baby, and here I am complaining about not being able to go out. I should be ashamed of myself.