A letter to Jack

Ever since I found out I was expecting a little boy, I have been filling out an adorable little baby book for him. I'm determined to document my pregnancy and the first year of his life. In the book, there is a page for me to write a letter to Jack and for my husband to write a letter to him. I wrote my letter months ago. I have been trying to get the husband to write his for weeks, and he had promised to do so. You must understand that Ryan is a man of few words. He doesn't express his emotions well. When it comes to birthdays, Valentines Day, Mother's Day, etc. he always picks out cards with a lot of writing so that he doesn't have to write much. He always picks great cards that make me cry, so I don't mind. I know that he spends a lot of time finding the right card, so whether he wrote the words or Hallmark did, I know that the words mean something.

Finally on Tuesday night I told him that he absolutely had to write the letter to Jack that night. It was very important to me that both of those letters were written before his arrival. So, he started writing...there were numerous drafts. When I got home from work last night, I opened the baby book and read his letter. It was the most beautiful, thoughtful thing I had ever read. It was honest...he talked about how scared he was and how he worried he wouldn't be a good enough father. But he knew that had so many hopes and dreams for Jack...and that Jack was already his biggest accomplishment. I probably read that letter five times last night...and cried every time. It was like seeing my husband in a whole new way...and it was amazing.

I don't think that he has anything to worry about. He is going to be an incredible father to Jack. He loves him so much already (as I do) so I know that it will all be okay. So, it's now time for Mr. Jack to make his appearance. We absolutely cannot wait for him!

Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day! I am so excited to share the day with my family. Most importantly, I am very excited about the fact that I am about to become a mom for the first time. I can't wait to meet my little man very soon. I go to the doctor tomorrow to find out if I am making any progress. I have been having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions and some regular contractions that hurt a bit. I need to prepare myself for the pain that is coming my way. But, I am trying not to think about that. I am planning to get the lovely epidural, so I hope to not be in too much pain for too long. But, I know that it will all be worth it.

So, a very Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there...and to all those that are about to be become moms!

No Baby Talk Today

So, after reading through my measly few posts, I have decided that I whine way too much about being pregnant. Thus, this is a whine-free, baby-free post!

As I have mentioned, I work at a University. I plan events for a living..and honestly, it's probably the best job in the world. I get to hang out with students all day and do fun things. I have met some really interesting people (I mean, I was hugged by porn star Ron Jeremy--it was my mom's proudest moment when she picked up a newspaper and my name was in the same sentence with Ron Jeremy's) because I have brought them to campus. It is an amazing gig.

It's the end of the semester. Tomorrow is the last day of finals for the kiddo's. That means it was time for me to complete my "end of the year stuff" for my boss. I was actually kind of impressed with myself. We put on 151 events this year. Over 28,500 people in total attended those events. We put on some extremely successful programs. I am really proud of all that we did this year.

While I absolutely love my job, I can't help but think about wanting to do something more. I know that I really always want to work in a university setting (unless the St. Louis Cardinals need a Special Events person--then I'm out of here!). I am hoping that I will be able to progress in my job...take on new responsibilities. But, we will see. My boss will be retiring in about two years, so I'm kind of hoping that something will come of that. We shall see.

Okay, I'm off to watch the end of American Idol. Danny better not get the boot...

Scared Out Of My Mind...

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday for my 36 week appointment. I knew that this would be the time that they would start checking to see if I was progressing at all. Well, I am about a half centimeter dilated. It's not a lot, but it's something. I was pretty excited. The doctor also told me that if I went into labor now, they wouldn't stop the labor, they would let Jack come. I left the doctor in a great mood and texted my husband to give him all the dirt. As I was sitting at home last night, my euphoric mood went away and it all hit me. This baby is coming sooner rather than later!

I was glad that hubby was at work last night, because I needed a moment to myself. I sat in the nursery for the longest time and just stared at everything. Sure I have been working on that room for months. Sure I have felt this baby move inside me since late December. But, it wasn't until yesterday that it truly hit me that I will be a mom in a couple weeks. It seems like such a huge task. I have been around a lot of babies. I have changed a ton of diapers. I have fed a lot of bottles. But these kids always belonged to someone else. It's easy to care for an infant when you have specific care instructions. When it is your own child, you have to make up the rules. You have to make the schedule. You are responsible for their well-being and happiness. My dear, dear husband had never even changed a diaper until I forced him to change our nephew last week. He is pretty clueless when it comes to babies. I know that he is relying on me to be the voice of reason in those early weeks. I just don't know how to do that when I am so unsure of myself.

Please don't get me wrong. I am so excited to welcome Jack into our family. And I feel extremely blessed that we were able to conceive him without any difficulties (because I know plenty of people that try for years and years with no success). But, there is still that fear of the unknown. Not to mention all of the things that can go wrong. I read a lot of blogs. I am actually very new to the blog thing...and probably one of the first blogs that I really read religiously was this one. If you haven't read it, I would encourage you to go back to the beginning (at least to here) and read it from March 2008 to the present day. I will warn you, it will absolutely break your heart (have the tissues ready). But, in all of the tears, there is so much hope. But, in spite of the undeniable sense of hope that I feel as I read the more recent posts, I can't shake the feeling that something like that could happen to me. What would my wonderful husband do if I weren't around to help him raise our beautiful baby boy. Life can change in the blink of an eye. You never know what is going to happen. I know that is one of the most beautiful parts of life--the absolute unknown. But, lets be realistic. It's also scary as hell. But, I am trying to go into the next few weeks, months, and years with the thought that everything will be perfectly wonderful. You have to believe that...otherwise it would be impossible to get out of the bed every morning.

Four More Weeks

Well, since I haven't posted anything since March, you would think I would have a lot to say. Not so much! I am now nearly 36 weeks pregnant. Baby Jack should be here soon! I can't believe it is almost time! His nursery is ready for him. We feel like we are ready for him. Now it is just a waiting game. I go to the doctor tomorrow and hopefully I will find out that I have made some sort of progress. We will see though.

I could go on and on about how scared I am, etc. But, that will have to wait for tomorrow.

29 Weeks

I haven't updated this in forever. I am horrible! I reached 29 weeks in my pregnancy today. My little man seems to be doing very well. He moves around frequently and seems to be getting bigger. We had a 3D ultrasound last weekend...it was the most amazing experience of my life thusfar. Seeing that sweet little face on the screen was awesome. He has chubby little cheeks and the tech even said that he has hair already (which would probably explain all of the heartburn I have been having).

I can't really complain about pregnancy up to this point. I haven't been sick, I'm not experiencing any swelling so far. I have only gained 11 or 12 pounds up to this point. My only real complaint is that I have started having some heart palpitations. They were so bad early last week that I actually went to the doctor about them. All of my books indicated that palpitations were normal but that they would just last for a couple minutes. Mine were happening the whole day--for two days straight. Of course, they stopped as soon as I got to the doctors office. But, he decided to do some blood work and check for a couple things. I haven't heard anything back from them...or about my glucose screening. I go back to the doctor on Monday (I'm starting to go every two weeks now) so I guess I will hear all about the blood work then.

We got the crib put together, the nursery painted, and the chair rail put up. My baby shower is in two weeks...I am super excited about that! I don't feel at all prepared to have a baby, so I am hoping that I will feel a bit more prepared after I get "stuff" at the shower.

My main focus right now is making sure that I have a healthy baby boy. I love him so much already and can't wait to plant a big kiss on that little head!

In other news, I am rather stressed at work right now. There is a lot going on and my boss was acting kind of odd this afternoon. Who knows...maybe he was just having a not so good day (that or he just wanted to go home instead of staying for a 6:30pm meeting). I am hoping that tomorrow will be a little better. At least tomorrow is Thursday and I get to have a quiet weekend.

That's about it for now! Have a great rest of the week.

Failure

Today, I feel like a failure as a wife. You see, my wonderful husband has been job searching for a long time. He received his master's degree nearly two years ago and has not been able to find a job in his field. He currently has a job...it's just not overly conducive to the life we are about to have with our unborn child (i.e. he works a lot of evenings and weekends). I just want him to have a job that has mainly regular hours. I mean, my job isn't strictly nine to five, but most evenings and weekends, I can be at home...with a few exceptions. I have just been having this realization this week that in a couple months, I am going to spending most of my time alone with a newborn while he is working. Our schedules are just so opposite.

He feels like a complete failure for not being able to find a job. I know this...yet I keep pestering him about it. I can't just let it go...he knows this baby is coming in a few months, so why do I feel the need to remind him? I just want to feel like there is a plan in place. And right now, I don't know what the plan is. So, I keep bringing it up. And he gets frustrated. Then, I feel bad for nagging him...and that's when I realize I am a horrible wife. It's an awful feeling. I just want to feel secure. Is that asking too much?

Let's get real

So, I hit a wall this weekend. Up until now, pregnancy has been great. It's been an experience filled with a lot of excitement. I have been very fortunate to have had a fairly easy pregnancy (knock on wood). That part hasn't changed. However, today, I realized that "holy crap, this kid is coming in a few months!!" The realization came when my friend Jenn called me and said "do you want to go shopping with me this afternoon?" I agreed to go...but then it hit me...that I wouldn't be able to just drop everything and do whatever I wanted to in a few months.

You should know that I am fiercely independent person. I want to do what I want, when I want. I don't want to ask anyone's permission before I go do something. I know that my life is going to change when the baby comes. I also know that I am going to love him with all my heart and that I will be a good mom. But, I have this fear that maybe I will resent him for taking away some of my independence.

I am absolutely sure that this is a very normal feeling to be having a few months before the arrival of your first child. I feel really guilty for even thinking like this though. Having a baby is all that I have wanted for a long time. My wonderful husband is so excited...I think he has told the whole world that we are having a boy. It's hard not to be excited when I see the smile on his face as he kisses my belly.

I know that days like this...full of uneasiness and uncertainty are just going to continue to become more common. But, at the end of the day, I just want to have a healthy, happy baby boy. I can't wait to meet him!

It's A...

Well, last week we went to the doctor for our 20 week ultrasound. I believe that I have mentioned in the past that I am very impatient, so obviously I wanted to know whether we were having a boy or a girl. I had been having dreams that they weren't able to tell me what it was, and I was devastated! However, that did not happen! As the ultrasound tech was looking around, she took a lot of measurements, and was telling us what everything was. My poor husband just had this look on his face like "I have no clue what I am looking at" most of the time. Sure he saw the head, but then she started pointing out the kidneys and stuff...and well, she lost him.

But, eventually, she said "so you want to know the gender?" Um, yes please! So...drumroll please...we are having a boy! Okay, I have to be completely, brutally honest. I had about two seconds of disappointment. I was really hoping for a girl. I've only ever been around girls, so I honestly don't know what to expect with a boy. But, that disappointment seriously lasted two seconds. He is healthy and growing as he should be. So, little Jack will be joining our family in May.

I have spent time registering for all sorts of cute baby stuff. Last weekend, I bought a crib. Now I just have to get my brother in law over here to paint the nursery so we can put the crib together! Can't wait! My baby shower date is set for April 4...it all seems so far away, but I know the next couple months will fly by and he will be here before I know it!

Can't I just be a lady of leisure?

One of the best parts of my job is that I get a ridiculous amount of time off at the holidays. Thus, I have been off work for the past two weeks. I have to go back to work on Monday...and I am dreading it! I know that everyone (save for a few really lucky millionaires and heiresses) has to work, but I just wanted to whine for a moment.

I love my job. I really, really do. I think that it is harder for me to go back this time because I know that the semester is going to be rough for me. It's going to be tough to get through a lot of events as I get bigger and more pregnant. But, people do it all the time, so I am sure that I will survive. My wonderful husband will help me out...

Speaking of pregnancy...Hubby and I find out the sex of the baby in about two weeks. We are both so excited. However, not quite as excited as I was when I felt the baby move for the first time last weekend. We have been trying to get hubby to catch the movement all week, and we think he finally felt it yesterday. The look he got on his face was amazing. It was this look for joy and excitement. So, things are progressing nicely. I am getting nervous, which I suppose is normal. I was holding my six month old niece a couple days ago and realized that I have so much to learn. I mean, what do I do when I bring this kid home? I don't know how to care for a baby all the time. Ugh...