Writer's Block

I'm supposed to be working on an article right now...but clearly I am not! About five months ago I submitted a proposal for an article to my professional association. It was accepted and I pushed it aside. Well, my deadline is next week and I am no closer to starting in that I was five months ago! Ugh. I honestly hate the topic that I chose and just can't figure out where I want to go with it!

I really need to get my act together and work on it, but I somehow just can't make myself do it. It is the first week of the spring semester at my university, so it's quite busy! Once I finally get Jack into bed, I'm exhausted and don't want to do anything. I am really hoping for a snow day tomorrow so I can get my thoughts together during nap time and hopefully make some progress!

Procrastination is my middle name. What did I say all through grad school? I work best under pressure. Yeah right!

Fear

I wish that fear didn't overcome me all the time. I am afraid of everything. Okay, when I say everything, I don't actually mean everything. I'm not afraid of spiders, or water, or heights. I'm afraid of things that I can't control...like someone I love dying. I'm not one of those people that is afraid of dying herself (well, more on that in a minute). I'm more afraid of being left behind if one of my loved ones were to die.

Ever since I have had Jack, my fear has reached an all time high. I worry about everything! I worry that he isn't eating enough, that he's eating too much, that he has a fever, that he isn't sleeping enough, that he isn't reaching milestones when someone else says he should. But, most of all, I worry about what would happen if he had to grow up without me.

This has been constantly on my mind for about two weeks. You see, I am leaving for a conference in Boston on Friday. I will be gone from Friday morning until Wednesday morning. I have cried nearly every day thinking about my sweet baby boy. I am sad about leaving him, but I am freaking out about flying. I hate flying in general. I have always had a fear of flying (okay, not the flying part...the possibility of plummeting from the sky).

I just want to have a safe trip and to get safely back to my house to hug that baby boy. I hate letting fear overtake my life. I'm trying not to let it, but I have to say, I'm not being very successful. But, how can you not want to get home to this sweet face??

4th of July and Back to work

We had a fun weekend with our families! On 4th of July, we visited with both Ryan's family and my family. The weather was definitely not great! It rained for a good chunk of the day, then it was cloudy and cool, and then it rained again. The fireworks were canceled, so we didn't get to see them. My aunts neighbor was setting off some really cool ones, so we watched a bit of those before heading home. Jack was mesmerized by them!

On Sunday, Ryan's nephew Rory was baptized. Jack and I didn't go to the church, but we went over to their house afterwards for a BBQ. We hung out there for a few hours. When we came home, I had a massive task to complete. I had to clean out my closed. it was a mess!! I had been putting this off the entire time I have been on maternity leave, but it was finally time to do it. It took me three hours, but I finally got it finished. I really wanted to take all of my clothes out and reorganize them, but I didn't have time for that. I felt accomplished when I was done.

I have to go to work tomorrow to interview a candidate for a new position in my office. This person would report to me, so I'm pretty excited. I am not, however, happy to be working the next three days when I am supposed to be on maternity leave. I officially go back to work on July 15. I am NOT happy about it. I want to stay home with my sweet baby boy. He is just getting to a fun stage where he is awake more and is starting to smile a lot and be more interactive. But, mom has to make some money! I know that it will be hard for a while but that it will get easier to leave him every morning. I am such a dork...I'm getting teary just typing this! I'm trying to win the $130 million Mega Millions lottery jackpot tomorrow so that I don't have to go back, but that doesn't quite seem likely!

I will leave you with some photos...

A family photo on 4th of July. Jack's face cracks me up. He's so cute!



I just think that he looks like such a big boy in this picture. I just love that little face!!


Jack and his Papa. He loves Papa!

No Baby Talk Today

So, after reading through my measly few posts, I have decided that I whine way too much about being pregnant. Thus, this is a whine-free, baby-free post!

As I have mentioned, I work at a University. I plan events for a living..and honestly, it's probably the best job in the world. I get to hang out with students all day and do fun things. I have met some really interesting people (I mean, I was hugged by porn star Ron Jeremy--it was my mom's proudest moment when she picked up a newspaper and my name was in the same sentence with Ron Jeremy's) because I have brought them to campus. It is an amazing gig.

It's the end of the semester. Tomorrow is the last day of finals for the kiddo's. That means it was time for me to complete my "end of the year stuff" for my boss. I was actually kind of impressed with myself. We put on 151 events this year. Over 28,500 people in total attended those events. We put on some extremely successful programs. I am really proud of all that we did this year.

While I absolutely love my job, I can't help but think about wanting to do something more. I know that I really always want to work in a university setting (unless the St. Louis Cardinals need a Special Events person--then I'm out of here!). I am hoping that I will be able to progress in my job...take on new responsibilities. But, we will see. My boss will be retiring in about two years, so I'm kind of hoping that something will come of that. We shall see.

Okay, I'm off to watch the end of American Idol. Danny better not get the boot...

29 Weeks

I haven't updated this in forever. I am horrible! I reached 29 weeks in my pregnancy today. My little man seems to be doing very well. He moves around frequently and seems to be getting bigger. We had a 3D ultrasound last weekend...it was the most amazing experience of my life thusfar. Seeing that sweet little face on the screen was awesome. He has chubby little cheeks and the tech even said that he has hair already (which would probably explain all of the heartburn I have been having).

I can't really complain about pregnancy up to this point. I haven't been sick, I'm not experiencing any swelling so far. I have only gained 11 or 12 pounds up to this point. My only real complaint is that I have started having some heart palpitations. They were so bad early last week that I actually went to the doctor about them. All of my books indicated that palpitations were normal but that they would just last for a couple minutes. Mine were happening the whole day--for two days straight. Of course, they stopped as soon as I got to the doctors office. But, he decided to do some blood work and check for a couple things. I haven't heard anything back from them...or about my glucose screening. I go back to the doctor on Monday (I'm starting to go every two weeks now) so I guess I will hear all about the blood work then.

We got the crib put together, the nursery painted, and the chair rail put up. My baby shower is in two weeks...I am super excited about that! I don't feel at all prepared to have a baby, so I am hoping that I will feel a bit more prepared after I get "stuff" at the shower.

My main focus right now is making sure that I have a healthy baby boy. I love him so much already and can't wait to plant a big kiss on that little head!

In other news, I am rather stressed at work right now. There is a lot going on and my boss was acting kind of odd this afternoon. Who knows...maybe he was just having a not so good day (that or he just wanted to go home instead of staying for a 6:30pm meeting). I am hoping that tomorrow will be a little better. At least tomorrow is Thursday and I get to have a quiet weekend.

That's about it for now! Have a great rest of the week.

Can't I just be a lady of leisure?

One of the best parts of my job is that I get a ridiculous amount of time off at the holidays. Thus, I have been off work for the past two weeks. I have to go back to work on Monday...and I am dreading it! I know that everyone (save for a few really lucky millionaires and heiresses) has to work, but I just wanted to whine for a moment.

I love my job. I really, really do. I think that it is harder for me to go back this time because I know that the semester is going to be rough for me. It's going to be tough to get through a lot of events as I get bigger and more pregnant. But, people do it all the time, so I am sure that I will survive. My wonderful husband will help me out...

Speaking of pregnancy...Hubby and I find out the sex of the baby in about two weeks. We are both so excited. However, not quite as excited as I was when I felt the baby move for the first time last weekend. We have been trying to get hubby to catch the movement all week, and we think he finally felt it yesterday. The look he got on his face was amazing. It was this look for joy and excitement. So, things are progressing nicely. I am getting nervous, which I suppose is normal. I was holding my six month old niece a couple days ago and realized that I have so much to learn. I mean, what do I do when I bring this kid home? I don't know how to care for a baby all the time. Ugh...

Updates--I'm a bad blogger

Okay, so I am a horrible blogger. I log on to the site every day and catch up on my favorite blogs but I just have no motivation to write an entry. So, here is an update of my life since Thanksgiving.

The day after Thanksgiving, I started a pattern of not being able to sleep. This pattern has continued for the past few weeks. One night, I sleep fine, the next night, I spend most of my night tossing and turning. I expected to have trouble sleeping later in pregnancy, but not this early.

Speaking of pregnancy...I still don't feel pregnant. I'm 16 weeks and I am still having a hard time even remembering that I'm pregnant some days. I am ready to start showing...to have to wear ugly maternity pants! I know that is ridiculous. I'm kind of in between right now...my normal clothes are getting a little snug, but I don't feel like I can justify wearing maternity clothes yet. I'm ready to feel baby move...baby daddy (it cracks me up to call him that) is really excited for that too.

Otherwise, it's been really, really boring in my little world. I have been working and getting ready for a delightfully long Christmas break. We finished a semester worth of programming--rather successfully I might add. I can't believe that the semester is over though. It absolutely flew by. I am looking forward to the Spring semester, though I know that it will get harder as baby gets bigger...and I get bigger. I finished teaching my class, which was a big sigh of relief. I like teaching the class, but it wears me out.

So, yeah, this is the most boring post ever. I'm sorry. I will do better next time!

1 year ago...

One year ago this weekend, I was at my best friend's wedding out of town. It was the weekend after Thanksgiving. We left at about noon on Friday and drove the three hours to her soon-to-be husbands hometown. Hubby (then my new fiance) and I checked into our hotel. One of my other friends arrived about an hour and a half after us and started talking about the fact that they were delayed because of a really bad accident on the interstate near our home. I didn't really think anything of it. We went about our business of the weekend. My friend got married on Saturday...we had the ceremony, the reception, etc. It was a fun evening...lots of fun stories (but that's for another post). On Sunday, we had breakfast and then we got on the road.

When I got home, I sat down to check my email and to see what had been going on. I got onto the local TV channel's website to see if anything important had happened in the couple days since we had been gone. I saw a story about the car accident that my friend had mentioned on Friday. I clicked on the link and started to read the story. I got about three sentences into the article when my heart sank.

I need to tell you that, at my university, in addition to my regular job, I also teach a class for freshman. It's called University Experience. It's a two credit hour class that introduces students to life in college. We do a lot of work...it's definitely not a blow off class. But, it's a lot of fun.

So, back to the story. I read the first two lines and then read the names of the two victims: two sisters, an 18 year old and her 13 year old. The 18 year old, was a student in my class. I was absolutely heartbroken. She was a very sweet girl that I had really enjoyed having in class. She was beautiful, but she didn't seem stuck up like some of those beautiful little college freshmen girls did. She talked with everyone in the class, volunteered to work with people that others didn't really want to work with. She was just an all around good kid.

I dreaded going to class on Tuesday. I teach this class with another staff member, so we discussed what we wanted to do. We knew that we needed to talk about it with them. So, we brought a staff person from Counseling Services over. We had plans to meet in the University Center that day because we were going to be starting on a new project. I found everyone in the class and had them go to a quiet room. We all sat down and we talked about what had happened. Some of them hadn't heard about it, while others had. Many tears were shed. I had a hard time talking with them about it. In fact, it was probably the most difficult thing I have had to do in my professional life. I will never forget the looks on their faces.

I think that for me, it was terribly upsetting because I kept thinking about my freshman year of college when three of my high school classmates were killed in a car accident in October. They were twin sisters and one of their boyfriends. It was incredibly sad. I remember waiting in line for hours at the funeral home to pay my respects. So, for me, sitting there with my students, I knew exactly what they were feeling.

I can't believe it's been a year. This past week, on Tuesday, we met with our class in the University Center to assign them the project that the class was set to discuss that day last year. I couldn't help but think back and to be incredibly sad.

The case will go to trial sometime next year, and all the memories will come back. The person that hit the girls was a state trooper going 127 miles an hour when he lost control of the car and crossed the center median and slammed into their car...I can only hope that he gets the punishment that he deserves for taking these two beautiful lives. While I barely knew her, I know that there are many, many people who miss her (and her sister) every single day.

So, as the one year anniversary approaches on Sunday, I hope that everyone will think about these two and their family. I know they are terribly missed.

Move In Day

If you have ever lived on a college campus, you should be able to understand what I'm talking about. Move In Day on a college campus is one of the most hectic and exciting days in the world. Today, thousands of students are moving into residence halls and apartments. Today is mainly reserved for freshmen move-in. The University Center is filled with excited looking students and anxious looking parents. The parents are probably my favorite part of this day. They are so excited for their children, but you can see that sadness in their eyes as they drop their baby off. As an employee of the university, it's easy to look at this day with disdain as our summer has quickly come to an end. But, this is actually my favorite day of the year. It's a day filled with such hope of the future.

Every year, on this day, I flash back to the day that I moved into my residence hall my freshman year. I was the first child to go away to school, and my mom was a mess! We waited in the lines patiently and were finally allowed to head up to the residence hall. I, as most freshman do, brought way, way too much stuff! The upper classmen can volunteer to help with move-in day. Basically, in exchange for their hard work, they get to move into their apartments and dorms a day early and beat the crowds (it's a pretty good deal!). When I moved in, they were so helpful and all of my stuff made it to my third floor room in one trip. I remember being scared, excited, and hopeful all at once. My roommate Kourtney was very nice, but I soon realized that she was going home that night and I would be all alone for my first night. I laid in bed that night and couldn't sleep. But, that day started my foray into college, and eventually led to my career!

So, basically, Move In Day is great! So, the next time you are out shopping in August and see that mother and daughter or father and son (or whatever) out stocking up in the "College" section of your local Walmart, Target, or Bed, Bath, and Beyond, remember your first day of college, or when you dropped your kids off...I'm sure the memories will come flooding back!