Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Scared Out Of My Mind...

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday for my 36 week appointment. I knew that this would be the time that they would start checking to see if I was progressing at all. Well, I am about a half centimeter dilated. It's not a lot, but it's something. I was pretty excited. The doctor also told me that if I went into labor now, they wouldn't stop the labor, they would let Jack come. I left the doctor in a great mood and texted my husband to give him all the dirt. As I was sitting at home last night, my euphoric mood went away and it all hit me. This baby is coming sooner rather than later!

I was glad that hubby was at work last night, because I needed a moment to myself. I sat in the nursery for the longest time and just stared at everything. Sure I have been working on that room for months. Sure I have felt this baby move inside me since late December. But, it wasn't until yesterday that it truly hit me that I will be a mom in a couple weeks. It seems like such a huge task. I have been around a lot of babies. I have changed a ton of diapers. I have fed a lot of bottles. But these kids always belonged to someone else. It's easy to care for an infant when you have specific care instructions. When it is your own child, you have to make up the rules. You have to make the schedule. You are responsible for their well-being and happiness. My dear, dear husband had never even changed a diaper until I forced him to change our nephew last week. He is pretty clueless when it comes to babies. I know that he is relying on me to be the voice of reason in those early weeks. I just don't know how to do that when I am so unsure of myself.

Please don't get me wrong. I am so excited to welcome Jack into our family. And I feel extremely blessed that we were able to conceive him without any difficulties (because I know plenty of people that try for years and years with no success). But, there is still that fear of the unknown. Not to mention all of the things that can go wrong. I read a lot of blogs. I am actually very new to the blog thing...and probably one of the first blogs that I really read religiously was this one. If you haven't read it, I would encourage you to go back to the beginning (at least to here) and read it from March 2008 to the present day. I will warn you, it will absolutely break your heart (have the tissues ready). But, in all of the tears, there is so much hope. But, in spite of the undeniable sense of hope that I feel as I read the more recent posts, I can't shake the feeling that something like that could happen to me. What would my wonderful husband do if I weren't around to help him raise our beautiful baby boy. Life can change in the blink of an eye. You never know what is going to happen. I know that is one of the most beautiful parts of life--the absolute unknown. But, lets be realistic. It's also scary as hell. But, I am trying to go into the next few weeks, months, and years with the thought that everything will be perfectly wonderful. You have to believe that...otherwise it would be impossible to get out of the bed every morning.

1 comment:

  1. Michelle, it IS scary! You're going to be great at giving birth (sorry, that's the only encouragement I can come up with)
    I like reading this. it helps me for when I plan to get pregnant in 30 years or so :)